MY WHITE HOUSE

Squeeze real hard

2006-07-20T20:48:00.000-07:00

Hello to my 2 or 3 daily readers. I'm sorry that there has been such a lapse between blog entries. It has been a busy summer. Actually, it has been less than a month since my last entry. Here's a brief rundown of what I have been up to the last 29 days or so:

I blasted the shit out of the broadcast industry by signing the Broadcast Decency Enforcement Act, sharply increasing the penalties for broadcast indecency. I made a Merchant Marine Academy grad shit his pants when I gave him a long, romantic hug. My plan to try Guantanamo detainees before military commissions was shot to shit. Japanese Prime Minister Koizumi and I visited Graceland. That was the shit. I had a great party for my 60th birthday. But I felt like shit afterwards. Congressman Hoekstra gave me shit about keeping intelligence details from him. I partied with the hoten shiten Angela Merkel in Germany. I signed my first ever veto against the stem cell bill, giving those little-shit embryos a chance at life. And I talked some shit at the G8 conference.

That's a lot of shit for 29 days!

Oh, I also did an interview with Larry King. I am scheduled to do an interview with some crazy, liberal shit-speaking bloogers. I'll keep you posted on that. And I didn't once watch that piece-of-shit show The Daily Show.

Have a nice shit,

Bushy

A Weak Constitution

2006-06-22T16:30:00.000-07:00

Yesterday was the 218th anniversary of the ratification of the Constitution of the United States. I'm amazed that it took this long for a president to turn the one page document on it's head.

As the "Decider", I now have ultimate influence over all legislative decisions. No Republican dares to take a side on an issue that opposes my ideology. There are a few items in Article l, Section 8 that I am particularly fond of controlling...
The power to declare War, grant Letters of Marque and Reprisal, and make Rules concerning Captures on Land and Water; the power to make Rules for the Government and Regulation of the land and naval Forces; and the power to provide for calling forth the Militia to execute the Laws of the Union, suppress Insurrections and repel Invasions.

As for Article ll I shall have Power, WITH or WITHOUT the Advice and Consent of the Senate, to make Treaties, The Senate will concur, or else!

Finally, I will only appoint Justices to the Supreme Court that pledge to stay out of MY business.

Who needs Amendments, when Your Highness, Bushy is in charge!

Let the Chaos ensue!

Bushy

Constitutional Amen-dment

2006-06-05T15:39:00.000-07:00

The union of a man and woman in marriage is the most enduring and important human institution. O.K. maybe not enduring. In 2003 there were 7.5 new marriages per 1000 people and 3.8 divorces per 1000. Even my brother Neil got divorced after he had sex with women who showed up uninvited at his hotel rooms in Asia, and he had an affair and maybe fathered a child out of wedlock. Well he's the good looking one in the family.

Changing the definition of marriage would undermine the family structure, the careers of divorce lawyers, and the Dr. Phil show.

America is a free society which limits the role of government in the lives of our citizens. In this country, people are free to choose how they live their lives. That is until "The Decider" was elected president. I have spoken clearly on this issue and now you have to live by my rules. Some argue that defining marriage should be left to the states. Tough shit! And on an issue of such profound importance, that solution should come not from the courts, but from ME.

The constitutional amendment that the Senate will consider this week would fully protect marriage from being redefined. An amendment must be approved by two-thirds of the House and the Senate, and then ratified by three-fourths of the 50 state legislatures, but I will write it in myself if it is not ratified.

As this amendment goes forward, every American deserves to be treated with tolerance and respect and dignity. All people deserve to have their voices heard and a few thousand wiretaps will ensure that they are heard.

My new mantra is, "No debate, no red tape, no delay. If I like it, it's the law." And if I don't like it, it's MY Presidential right to ignore it.

Some Convenient Truths From Bushy

2006-05-24T10:56:00.000-07:00

Here are some reason for welcoming Global Warming...

MORE OIL FOR US

Extensive oil and gas reserves have been discovered in Alaska. With less intrusive ice to cut through, exploration and production would be much easier. And marine access to oil, gas and mineral resources is likely to improve as sea ice disappears. A few drowned polar bears is not a bad sacrifice for more sweet crude. With less ice in the Canadian northwest passage, we would have an increased shipping season. More oil will get to the U.S. and it will get here faster. Remember the Titanic? Well it won't happen again. No icebergs; less tanker accidents. With any luck, the Arctic Ocean could be ice free by summer of 2050

MORE FOOD FOR EVERYONE

A warmer ocean means increased fish stocks in the north Atlantic. And since carbon dioxide is used by plants to capture and store energy, there may be a fertilizing effect as levels of the gas rise. This, combined with longer growing seasons, fewer frosts and more precipitation, means more agricultural output throughout the world. And with more of the sun's radiation getting through, we could have super-sized fruit and vegetables. That would be cool! At least 279 species of plants and animals are already responding to global warming, moving closer to the poles. To summarize: Given a rising world population, longer growing seasons, greater rainfall, and a more radiant atmosphere could be just the ticket to stave off famine.

SAFER, HAPPIER AMERICANS

With estimates of between 20,000 and 40,000 deaths a year being related to cold winter weather, humans would adapt better with hot climates. All they need is air conditioning. Warmer winters will produce less ice and snow to torment drivers, facilitating commuting and making snow shoveling a chore of the past. Families will have less need to invest in heavy parkas, bulky jackets, earmuffs, mittens, and snow boots. Road travelers would suffer less from slippery or impassable highways. Airline passengers, who often endure weather-related delays in the winter, would gain from more reliable and on-time service. Our forests would be spared because there would no longer be a need for firewood. A warmer world would be a healthier one for Americans and would cut the number of deaths in the U.S.

The evidence is overwhelming and undeniable.

Al Gore wants higher gas prices, more shipping accidents, less food production, more world starvation, more highway fatalities, and more deforestation. I see great benefits from global warming. Mr. Gore and the science community want to stop it. Who are you gonna trust?

The American Way Of Life

2006-05-19T10:32:00.000-07:00

I am here to help all of you future, ex-illegal immigrants to assimilate into MY country. Here are MY 7 key elements of assimilation into U.S. society:

1. Cultural Assimilation.

Learn english, and take accent reduction courses. Wear Donna Karan, Perry Ellis, Kenneth Cole, Converse and Speedo. Food is a toughy since my favorite food is Mexican. Try hamburgers, french fries, hot dogs, barbeque anything, and grande two pump, non-fat, decaf, moccas. You should root for the Texas Rangers and the New York Yankees, and buy at least two poodle dogs or one Scottish Terrier, and one poodle. Try a different religion. For example, Chrisianity, Mormonism, Judaism, Scientology, Islam. Watch American Idol on TV and vote every week. Read the New York Times and watch Fox News.

2. Structural Assimilation

Join your neighborhood watch committee and have politiical house parties at your home. Join a Temple or Mosque. Join a chess club, a gun club, a ballroom dance class or a monthly reading group. Stay in school. Attend Baseball and hockey games, and attend at least one Britney Spears concert.

3. Marital Assimilation

Marry an American citizen. Best if they are caucasian, and from the south portion of the U.S.

4. Identificational Assimilation

Assimilate into the Anglo-American macro-culture. Drive a Ford pickup with a gun rack. Get car insurance. Write a tell-all biography. Create a Right Ring blog on the internet. Shop, shop, shop. Oh, and eat apple pie.

5. Attitude Receptional Assimilation

Love everyone except Left Wing Liberals, gays, and Paula Abdul.

6. Behavior Receptional Assimilation

Afford non-prejudicial opportunities to everyone except Left Wing Liberals, gays, and Stephen Colbert.

7. And finally Civic Assimilation

MY telling you newcomers that I am serious about integrating you all into our constitutional democracy and perpetuating "the American way of life." And you accepting the fact that I am "The Decider".

I hope this is helpful.

Bushy

MY Speech

2006-05-16T10:10:00.000-07:00

"We are a nation of laws, and I decide which ones to enforce."

"First we must protect our beautiful spacious borders. We will send a large unit of armed troops to the southern border along with jets, helicopters, motion sensors, infrared cameras, and Humvees. We will build walls and use bunker busting bombs to destroy underground tunnels. We will find and destroy weapons of mass destruction, and we will only stay for a year." (sound familiar?)

"Amnesty would be unfair to those who are second generation and third generation citizens, and it would invite further amber waves of illegally harvested grain."

"I know, let's not call it amnesty, I'LL call it Tim ."

"I believe that illegal immigrants who managed to sneak into MY country without being caught deserve to stay. But only if they vote Republican every election, learn to speak english minimally as good as I does, and work for a number of years either in our new "Legal Foreign Worker Identification Card Factory", in the Armed Forces patrolling the border, in Virginia painting the purple mountains, or in the fruited plains."

"I believe that God has shed His grace on thee lowly illegal immigrant to build a path to American assimilation. To join the brotherhood of the over taxed, and underpaid of MY country, from border to grimy border."

"I believe that you can be a fool to some of the people all of the time, and all of the people some of the time, but you can only hope to be a fool to all of the people all of the time."

Tap, Tap, Tap

2006-05-11T10:28:00.000-07:00

Beth Radford of Kansas City, MO, I see a pattern of calls to White Castle Burgers. Sam Cohen of Encino, CA, there's a pattern of calls to the Jewish Journal. Melissa Kristen of Virginia, I see a pattern of calls to Del. Adam Ebbin of Fairfax County.

What do these patterns all have in common? They were lifted from personal phone records that were secretly collected by MY National Security Agency. If you own a telephone and use it, I have your personal life in MY hands. I will soon have a database of every call made in America. I see Donald Rumsfeld made 47 calls to Condoleezza Rice just this week. Oh look, Ann Coulter has been calling Al Franken on a weekly basis. Is he ghost writing for her? This is so fun!

I'm listening to your comments (and then some),

Bushy

SWAPO

2006-05-05T15:30:00.000-07:00

We have our own tabloid couple in Washington now. Secretary of State Condoleezza Rice and Secretary of Defense Donald H. Rumsfeld. At a recent news conference, Condi was quoted regarding Rummy... “I agree,” . “I like him. I think he likes me.”

Perhaps Donaleezza will move to Namibia, live in a simple cone-shaped structure made with saplings covered in mud and dung, and go quad biking.

We won't be heartbroken. We promise. They can join the South-West Africa People's Organization (SWAPO) and help President Hifikepunye Pohamba manage their diamond mines.

Drugs and Taxes

2006-05-04T08:20:00.000-07:00

San Diego residents, spring breakers and immigration opponents are saddened today by the apparent reversal by Mexican President Vicente Fox, of his drug legalization plan. Apparently only drug addicts will be exempt from prosecution. Next thing you know, they will be giving tax refunds only to those that cheat on their taxes. Celebrations broke out in coffee shops throughout Amsterdam.

Tourism in Amsterdam Expected to Decrease

2006-05-03T11:24:00.000-07:00

I want to send out a big "thank you" to Mexican President Vicente Fox for solving the immigration problem. By signing a bill to legalize possesion and use of cocaine, heroin, LSD, marijuana, PCP, opium, synthetic opiates, mescaline, peyote, psilocybin mushrooms, amphetamines, and methamphetamines, he has assured that many folks living south of the border will choose to stay put. People living south of Mexico will likely be slowed down on the way to the U.S. border. I assume that drug production facilities will be popping up all over Mexico, employing thousands, while putting the cartels out of business.

Hats off to Vicente,

Bushy

National Anthem

2006-05-02T14:27:00.000-07:00

Yo solo quiero que el himno nacional se cante en espanol.

Global Domination

2006-04-24T12:14:00.000-07:00

This thing in Iraq isn't producing the results that I had envisioned. Full U.S. control of Iraq's oil recources. However, in the meantime the California Fuel Cell Partnership is making headway in their research to create alternative fuels that we can produce exclusively in the U.S. These alternate fuels will be low in toxic emissions, and therefore make the Kyoto Protocol unnecessary, and the new documentary "An Inconvenient Truth'', about Al Gore's campaign to get Americans to take global warming seriously will fail at the boxoffice. I will fully fund the Halliburton Corn farm and Ethanol Production Corp. and we will create large hydrogen plants in Texas and Alaska to keep American business strong. Then we'll destroy the oil refineries in Iraq and sell our Hydrogen and Ethanol to the world. I'm on a roll here!

By taking these steps, we'll maintain America's strength. And a strong America will help lead the world to a future of greater American control and prosperity.

The "Decider"

2006-04-18T15:57:00.000-07:00

I am the "Decider" and I decide what's best,
no matter what the consequences are.

Bushy "The Decide-inator"

A fine experience

2006-04-17T20:31:00.000-07:00

Well it's been nice. But after several weeks as Bushy, both here and at TagWorld, I've decided to go very part-time. I am not receiving enough comments or visits to justify the time and effort necessary to be funny and informative on a daily basis. I have family and a busy work schedule that must come first. I am also involved in a local Governor's campaign. Therefore, I will only post when I am so inclined, motivated, or pissed-off.

It's been fun and educational.

Regards,

Bushy

Three more years

2006-04-14T20:48:00.000-07:00

Bushy authorized this, Cheney was responsible for that, Rumsfeld was involved with those..

Well yea! We run this country. Who else would you expect to authorize and be responsible for the goings-on in MY country. It's MY war, it's MY top-secret info., it's MY failed immigration bill, it's MY first amendment, it's MY NSA, it's MY confusing Medicare plan, it's MINE for three more years!

I know what you're thinking, "three more years?, what shape will the world be in if Bushy has three more years?" Well here's your chance to tell me what you think. Leave a comment and I'll discuss the best one.

Good luck,

Bushy

Passover

2006-04-12T20:26:00.000-07:00

I attended a Passover seder at Donald Rumsfeld's home this evening. Do you think the democrats, the Iraqis, the pundits, the press and Jon Stewart will spare me further humiliation if I smear lambs blood on the White House?

Good Yom Tov,

Bushy

Setting an example

2006-04-11T20:53:00.000-07:00

The web is not safe from the long arm of "THE MAN". After recent government control of the media, they have decided, in turn, to control your websites. News Corp. has hired a spy to keep an eye on your MySpace sites. Your personal information is now free for the taking. MySpace is the second most visited website on the internet, and contains personal profiles, pictures, and other life details of millions of citizens. I am negotiating an information sharing plan with News Corp. as we speak. Perhaps I could let a few government leaks slip in return for a few thousand ISPs.

I'm glad I can set an example for corporate America. I plan to go after your mail next.

Happy surfing,

Bushy

Commiteth thy ill deeds

2006-04-10T21:28:00.000-07:00

Last night the LORD spake, saying, "first shalt thou commit three ill deeds this week. No more, no less. Three shall be the number thou shalt commit, and the number of the counting shall be three. Four shalt thou not commit, neither commit thou two, excepting that thou then proceed to three. Five is right out. Once the number three, being the third number, be reached, then commit thou thy ill deeds of MY Presidency towards thy foe, who, being naughty in MY sight, shall committ it. Amen."

More reasons to hate science

2006-04-08T21:12:00.000-07:00

I received a briefing today that said the following:

"Blue rings found around Uranus"

I initially thought it was a medical result from MY Presidential physician, and my ass puckered real fast. When I was told that it came from "Science" journal, and it concerned the seventh planet, I felt a little better.

It didn't help when the briefing also quoted American astronaut Bill McArthur, who upon his return from the international space station today asked "is Bush still in office?" When he was told that, yes, I am still the President, he asked when he could return to space.

I better not get a visit from any of those science fair kids in the near future.

Oh, my tushy,

Bushy

Justice for a few

2006-04-07T13:50:00.000-07:00

A few blogs ago I told you that we were going to drag reporters before grand juries and prosecute them under the espionage laws for publishing classified information leaked to it by sources within MY government.

Well given recent circumstances, I may sound a bit like a hypocrite now. I've been called worse.

I've contacted the Justice Department and told them to only prosecute reporters that publish MY leaks. Any Dick Cheney leaks can be printed with attributions.

It doesn't end here!

Bushy

Train in Vain

2006-04-06T12:35:00.000-07:00

Thank you for yesterday's calm before the storm. Now that word is out that I authorized the leak of sensitive intelligence information about Iraq, I'm guessing that Democrats and Republicans alike will be keeping their distance

After I won reelection last fall, I declared that I had earned plenty of "political capital", and that I intended to spend it. Well, my bank account is just about empty.
As I become a lame duck President I want to share the lyrics to a Clash song that reflects MY current standing with the Republican party and perhaps the world.

Say you stand by your man
Tell me something I don't understand
You said you love me and that's a fact
Then you left me, said you felt trapped

Well some things you can explain away
But my heartache's in me till this day

[Chorus]
Did you stand by me
No, not at all
Did you stand by me
No way

All the times
When we were close
I'll remember these things the most
I see all my dreams come tumbling down
I won't be happy without you around

So all alone I keep the wolves at bay
There is only one thing that I can say

Did you stand by me
No, not at all
Did you stand by me
No way

You must explain why this must be
Did you lie when you spoke to me

Did you stand by me
No, not at all

Now I got a job
But it don't pay
I have new woes
I need somewhere to stay
But without all these things I can do
But without your love I won't make it through

But you don't understand my point of view
I suppose there's nothing I can do

Did you stand by me
No, not at all
Did you stand by me
No way

You must explain why this must be
Did you lie when you spoke to me?

Did you stand by me
Did you stand by me
No, not at all
Did you stand by me
No way
Did you stand by me
No, not at all
Did you stand by me
No way

Sadly,

Bushy

The Heat

2006-04-05T20:23:00.000-07:00

Thank you Tom DeLay, Brian Doyle, Bill Frist, John Snow, Cynthia McKinney, Ann Coulter, Eminem, and Katie Couric for taking some of the heat off of ME this week.

Keep up the good work,

Bushy

Too bad no one is paying attention to MY new ideas on health care.

Capitol Hill

2006-04-04T15:16:00.000-07:00

My favorite songster, Peter Gabriel, visited Capitol Hill today to advocate against human-rights abuses in Burma.

To show his respect for Tom DeLay, Gabriel composed this song especially for him:

Climbing up on Capitol Hill
I could see the city light
Wind was blowing, time stood still
Abramoff flew out of the night

He was something to observe
Came in close, I heard his voice
Standing stretching every nerve
I had to listen had no choice

I did not believe the information
Just had to trust imagination
My hammer was going boom boom, boom
Tom, he said, grab your things, I’ve come to take you home.

To keeping silence I resigned
My friends would think I was corrupt
Turned out I was in a bind
Open doors would soon be shut

So I went from day to day
Tho’ my life was in a rut
’till I thought of K street,
Who's connection I should cut

I was feeling part of the Capitol scenery
I walked right out of the machinery
My hammer was going boom boom boom
Hey, he said, grab your gifts, I’ve come to take you home.
Yeah bye dome

When illusion spin her net
I’m never where I want to be
And liberty she pirouette
When I launder that money

Watched by empty silhouettes
Who close their eyes, but still can see
No one taught them etiquette
I will show another me

Today I don’t need a replacement
I’ll tell them what the smile on my face meant
My hammer was going boom boom boom
Hey, I said, you can keep my lobbyist gifts, they’ve come to take me home.

Thank you Peter!

Bushy

Staff Change

2006-04-03T15:33:00.000-07:00

Yesterday I crossed paths with Will Bailey, the intelligent assistant to the Vice President on West Wing. We were both enjoying the lemur exhibit at the zoo. Lemur's are known for their "Bushy" tails and are a favorite of mine. I like Will, and I know that President Bartlet is at the end of his term, so I approached him with an offer to replace Scott McClellan as press secretary. Will proceeded to tell me that his name was really Joshua Malina and that he only portrayed Will Baily on television. I told him that my real name wasn't "Bushy" and that we welcome people who aren't what they appear to be. He said that he would think about it.

Bull

2006-04-01T18:10:00.000-08:00

O.K. it's just an April Fools joke. Our country; even under the current administration, still allows "most" freedoms of speech. You just can't say bullshit on television and radio anymore.

Bushy