Friday, May 19, 2006

The American Way Of Life

I am here to help all of you future, ex-illegal immigrants to assimilate into MY country. Here are MY 7 key elements of assimilation into U.S. society:

1. Cultural Assimilation.

Learn english, and take accent reduction courses. Wear Donna Karan, Perry Ellis, Kenneth Cole, Converse and Speedo. Food is a toughy since my favorite food is Mexican. Try hamburgers, french fries, hot dogs, barbeque anything, and grande two pump, non-fat, decaf, moccas. You should root for the Texas Rangers and the New York Yankees, and buy at least two poodle dogs or one Scottish Terrier, and one poodle. Try a different religion. For example, Chrisianity, Mormonism, Judaism, Scientology, Islam. Watch American Idol on TV and vote every week. Read the New York Times and watch Fox News.

2. Structural Assimilation

Join your neighborhood watch committee and have politiical house parties at your home. Join a Temple or Mosque. Join a chess club, a gun club, a ballroom dance class or a monthly reading group. Stay in school. Attend Baseball and hockey games, and attend at least one Britney Spears concert.

3. Marital Assimilation

Marry an American citizen. Best if they are caucasian, and from the south portion of the U.S.

4. Identificational Assimilation

Assimilate into the Anglo-American macro-culture. Drive a Ford pickup with a gun rack. Get car insurance. Write a tell-all biography. Create a Right Ring blog on the internet. Shop, shop, shop. Oh, and eat apple pie.

5. Attitude Receptional Assimilation

Love everyone except Left Wing Liberals, gays, and Paula Abdul.

6. Behavior Receptional Assimilation

Afford non-prejudicial opportunities to everyone except Left Wing Liberals, gays, and Stephen Colbert.

7. And finally Civic Assimilation

MY telling you newcomers that I am serious about integrating you all into our constitutional democracy and perpetuating "the American way of life." And you accepting the fact that I am "The Decider".

I hope this is helpful.


Tuesday, May 16, 2006

MY Speech

"We are a nation of laws, and I decide which ones to enforce."

"First we must protect our beautiful spacious borders. We will send a large unit of armed troops to the southern border along with jets, helicopters, motion sensors, infrared cameras, and Humvees. We will build walls and use bunker busting bombs to destroy underground tunnels. We will find and destroy weapons of mass destruction, and we will only stay for a year." (sound familiar?)

"Amnesty would be unfair to those who are second generation and third generation citizens, and it would invite further amber waves of illegally harvested grain."

"I know, let's not call it amnesty, I'LL call it Tim ."

"I believe that illegal immigrants who managed to sneak into MY country without being caught deserve to stay. But only if they vote Republican every election, learn to speak english minimally as good as I does, and work for a number of years either in our new "Legal Foreign Worker Identification Card Factory", in the Armed Forces patrolling the border, in Virginia painting the purple mountains, or in the fruited plains."

"I believe that God has shed His grace on thee lowly illegal immigrant to build a path to American assimilation. To join the brotherhood of the over taxed, and underpaid of MY country, from border to grimy border."

"I believe that you can be a fool to some of the people all of the time, and all of the people some of the time, but you can only hope to be a fool to all of the people all of the time."