Saturday, April 08, 2006

More reasons to hate science

I received a briefing today that said the following:

"Blue rings found around Uranus"

I initially thought it was a medical result from MY Presidential physician, and my ass puckered real fast. When I was told that it came from "Science" journal, and it concerned the seventh planet, I felt a little better.

It didn't help when the briefing also quoted American astronaut Bill McArthur, who upon his return from the international space station today asked "is Bush still in office?" When he was told that, yes, I am still the President, he asked when he could return to space.

I better not get a visit from any of those science fair kids in the near future.

Oh, my tushy,


Friday, April 07, 2006

Justice for a few

A few blogs ago I told you that we were going to drag reporters before grand juries and prosecute them under the espionage laws for publishing classified information leaked to it by sources within MY government.

Well given recent circumstances, I may sound a bit like a hypocrite now. I've been called worse.

I've contacted the Justice Department and told them to only prosecute reporters that publish MY leaks. Any Dick Cheney leaks can be printed with attributions.

It doesn't end here!


Thursday, April 06, 2006

Train in Vain

Thank you for yesterday's calm before the storm. Now that word is out that I authorized the leak of sensitive intelligence information about Iraq, I'm guessing that Democrats and Republicans alike will be keeping their distance

After I won reelection last fall, I declared that I had earned plenty of "political capital", and that I intended to spend it. Well, my bank account is just about empty.
As I become a lame duck President I want to share the lyrics to a Clash song that reflects MY current standing with the Republican party and perhaps the world.

Say you stand by your man
Tell me something I don't understand
You said you love me and that's a fact
Then you left me, said you felt trapped

Well some things you can explain away
But my heartache's in me till this day

Did you stand by me
No, not at all
Did you stand by me
No way

All the times
When we were close
I'll remember these things the most
I see all my dreams come tumbling down
I won't be happy without you around

So all alone I keep the wolves at bay
There is only one thing that I can say

Did you stand by me
No, not at all
Did you stand by me
No way

You must explain why this must be
Did you lie when you spoke to me

Did you stand by me
No, not at all

Now I got a job
But it don't pay
I have new woes
I need somewhere to stay
But without all these things I can do
But without your love I won't make it through

But you don't understand my point of view
I suppose there's nothing I can do

Did you stand by me
No, not at all
Did you stand by me
No way

You must explain why this must be
Did you lie when you spoke to me?

Did you stand by me
Did you stand by me
No, not at all
Did you stand by me
No way
Did you stand by me
No, not at all
Did you stand by me
No way



Wednesday, April 05, 2006

The Heat

Thank you Tom DeLay, Brian Doyle, Bill Frist, John Snow, Cynthia McKinney, Ann Coulter, Eminem, and Katie Couric for taking some of the heat off of ME this week.

Keep up the good work,


Too bad no one is paying attention to MY new ideas on health care.

Tuesday, April 04, 2006

Capitol Hill

My favorite songster, Peter Gabriel, visited Capitol Hill today to advocate against human-rights abuses in Burma.

To show his respect for Tom DeLay, Gabriel composed this song especially for him:

Climbing up on Capitol Hill
I could see the city light
Wind was blowing, time stood still
Abramoff flew out of the night

He was something to observe
Came in close, I heard his voice
Standing stretching every nerve
I had to listen had no choice

I did not believe the information
Just had to trust imagination
My hammer was going boom boom, boom
Tom, he said, grab your things, I’ve come to take you home.

To keeping silence I resigned
My friends would think I was corrupt
Turned out I was in a bind
Open doors would soon be shut

So I went from day to day
Tho’ my life was in a rut
’till I thought of K street,
Who's connection I should cut

I was feeling part of the Capitol scenery
I walked right out of the machinery
My hammer was going boom boom boom
Hey, he said, grab your gifts, I’ve come to take you home.
Yeah bye dome

When illusion spin her net
I’m never where I want to be
And liberty she pirouette
When I launder that money

Watched by empty silhouettes
Who close their eyes, but still can see
No one taught them etiquette
I will show another me

Today I don’t need a replacement
I’ll tell them what the smile on my face meant
My hammer was going boom boom boom
Hey, I said, you can keep my lobbyist gifts, they’ve come to take me home.

Thank you Peter!


Monday, April 03, 2006

Staff Change

Yesterday I crossed paths with Will Bailey, the intelligent assistant to the Vice President on West Wing. We were both enjoying the lemur exhibit at the zoo. Lemur's are known for their "Bushy" tails and are a favorite of mine. I like Will, and I know that President Bartlet is at the end of his term, so I approached him with an offer to replace Scott McClellan as press secretary. Will proceeded to tell me that his name was really Joshua Malina and that he only portrayed Will Baily on television. I told him that my real name wasn't "Bushy" and that we welcome people who aren't what they appear to be. He said that he would think about it.