Saturday, March 25, 2006

Dia de los arrestados

Next week I will be proposing a new holiday called Dia de los arrestados, We will celebrate the detention and expulsion of the nearly 6 million illegal immigrants we have caught since I took office, and the millions more to come. To celebrate we will deploy thousands more Border Patrol agents, new technology, like infrared cameras and unmanned aerial vehicles, and we're installing physical barriers to entry, like fences in urban areas. We will not be satisfied until we have sent every last one back.

As for those immigrants that are here legally, we will ensure that they assimilate into our society and learn our customs and values and be injected with nanoprobes.

Here at the White House we will create an alter in the southern-most office of the West Wing where we will offer incense, and flowers and play country music, and we will server steak and potatoes in the dining room.



Friday, March 24, 2006

First base, knowledge base, or military base?

Just so you know how smart I am, I managed to screw both Cuba and Hurricane Katrina victims with one act.

In order to allow Cuba to play in the first World Baseball Classic, Havana agreed not to receive any prize money should they come in first or second in the tournament. Castro had promised to give the money to victims of the Hurricane, but now there is no money for him to give, regardless of Cuba's second place finish.

Castro seems to think there was foul play regarding the deal and threatened to cut the power to Guantanamo Bay. Lucky for us, we generate our own power there.
Gotcha again Fidel!

We may just sign the entire Cuban team to Major League Baseball.

I'm not off-base here,


Thursday, March 23, 2006

Don't get sick

Welcome Back To Automated Medicare

"Hello and welcome to MY new Medicare Prescription Drug Benefit. To make sure Medicare and medicine is modern, I've created this great new automated phone system called 1-800-MEDICARE.

I've always believed that if the consumer has got more options from which to choose, it provides higher quality.

This system is geared toward you, the elderly.

-If you have prior authorization to receive your medicine, press 1, now
-If you don't have prior authorization to receive your medicine, hang up, now
-If you think your drugs are actually on the list of approved drugs, press 2, now
-If you are glad to try other drugs that might not work, press 3, now
-If you know what a formulary drug is, press 4, now
-If you are o.k. with only a partial dosage, press 5, now
-If you need your full dosage to stay healthy, hang up now
-If you need more than one prescription filled, press 6, now and pray
-If you can decipher confusing, conflicting and erroneous information, press 7, now
-If you are prepared to be denied essential medication, press 8, now
-If you have already changed your plan and are ready to kill yourself, press 9, now

There are many restrictions associated with all Medicare plans. Information regarding the terms of the restrictions are unavailable at this time.

Wednesday, March 22, 2006


In case you haven't figured it out by now, my life and my Presidency were completely modeled after Kurt Vonnegut Jr.'s The Sirens of Titan. Here's a synopsis...

The protagonist is George W. Bush originally of New Haven, Connecticut, and one of the richest men in Texas. He possessed extraordinary luck, which he has used to build upon his father's fortune, but he had done nothing else significant with his life. He became the centerpoint of a journey that took him from Texas to Washington D.C. in preparation for a war, to the White House with another survivor of that war, Dick Cheney, back to Texas to be pilloried as a sign of God's displeasure, and finally to the Oval Office to meet the man responsible for his respective good fortunes (or lack thereof), Donald Rumsfeld.

Rumsfeld himself came from a wealthy Chicago, Illinois background. His private fortune was large enough to fund the construction of a large pharmaceutical company and he became a Nixon advisor. Traveling between Illinois and Washington D.C., his jet—carrying Rumsfeld and his dog, Rummy—entered a phenomenon known as a chrono-synclastic infundibulum, which is defined by as "those places ... where all the different kinds of truths fit together." A more detailed description of this phenomenon would baffle the layman, but any comprehensible explanation would insult an expert. The chrono-synclastic infundibula are places where these "ways to be right" coexist. When they enter the infundibulum.

When he entered the infundibulum, Rumsfeld became aware of the past and future. He predicted future events; unless he was deliberately lying, the predictions were always proven untrue.

It is in this state that Rumsfeld established the "Church of God the Utterly Indifferent" in Washington to unite the country against a Terrorist invasion. It is also in this state that Rumsfeld, materializing on different continents, instigated the Terrorist invasion. In The Oval Office, the only place he can exist as a solid human being and not as a broadcast image, Rumsfeld befriended a judge from Elizabeth, New Jersey who needs a more interesting job.

Michael Chertoff, the New Jersey judge, is actually a robot built many millennia earlier to carry a message from New Jersey to the rest of the world. His toolkit is powered by the Universal Will to Become, or UWTB, the "prime mover" which makes matter and organization wish to appear out of nothingness through various wiretapping methods. A small component in Chertoff's toolkit breaks, stalling him in the Judicial System. He requested help from George W. Bush, and his fellow Republicans respond by manipulating human history so that human civilization can produce the replacement part. Stonehenge, the Great Wall of China and the Kremlin are all messages in the Republican geometrical language, advising Chertoff of their progress.

As it turns out, the replacement part is a small metal strip, rounded on one corner, with two holes punched in it. Chertoff's message, for whose sake human history was manipulated, is a single dot, which in New Jersey'n means "stick this up your ass".

The metal strip was brought to Chertoff by George W. Bush and his son Chrono (born of Rumsfeld's ex-wife). A sunspot disruped Rumsfeld's spiral, sending him and Rummy separately into the vastness of journalistic space. An argument between Rumsfeld and Chertoff moments before, left unresolved because of Rumsfeld's disappearance, lead the distraught Chertoff to disassemble himself, thereby stranding the Republicans on Spin City. Chrono chose to live among the White House birds; after thirty-two years, his mother died, and George W. Bush managed to reassemble Chertoff.

Chertoff returned George W. Bush to Washington where he revealed that Operation Iraqi Freedom is all an OPEC conspiracy.

Tuesday, March 21, 2006

Acid Reflux

Don' think that just because I had President Sirleaf of Liberia for lunch, I would support a woman president here in the U.S. I could never work under a woman, they make me all "googly".

Well it looks as though President A.P.J. Abdul Kalam of India may have been correct after all. Regarding the possibility of our nulclear (nucular) agreement passing congress, he gave it little chance. And now former senator Sam Nunn is making waves in congress, suggesting "conditions" be set for it's support. He thinks the deal would harm the "United States vital interest" in preventing nuclear (nucular) proliferation.

I need my Nexium to push down that volital acid that is creeping up my esophagus.

Googly, gurgly,


The big boys

My friend Melissa from the great blog Monstrosity has convinced me to join the big boys at "blogger". I will continue to support my Tagworld site for a while, as it seems to be catching on in that community. I look forward to having intelligent conversation (at least on your part) with my fellow Americans.

Let the fun begin!