Friday, May 19, 2006

The American Way Of Life

I am here to help all of you future, ex-illegal immigrants to assimilate into MY country. Here are MY 7 key elements of assimilation into U.S. society:

1. Cultural Assimilation.

Learn english, and take accent reduction courses. Wear Donna Karan, Perry Ellis, Kenneth Cole, Converse and Speedo. Food is a toughy since my favorite food is Mexican. Try hamburgers, french fries, hot dogs, barbeque anything, and grande two pump, non-fat, decaf, moccas. You should root for the Texas Rangers and the New York Yankees, and buy at least two poodle dogs or one Scottish Terrier, and one poodle. Try a different religion. For example, Chrisianity, Mormonism, Judaism, Scientology, Islam. Watch American Idol on TV and vote every week. Read the New York Times and watch Fox News.

2. Structural Assimilation

Join your neighborhood watch committee and have politiical house parties at your home. Join a Temple or Mosque. Join a chess club, a gun club, a ballroom dance class or a monthly reading group. Stay in school. Attend Baseball and hockey games, and attend at least one Britney Spears concert.

3. Marital Assimilation

Marry an American citizen. Best if they are caucasian, and from the south portion of the U.S.

4. Identificational Assimilation

Assimilate into the Anglo-American macro-culture. Drive a Ford pickup with a gun rack. Get car insurance. Write a tell-all biography. Create a Right Ring blog on the internet. Shop, shop, shop. Oh, and eat apple pie.

5. Attitude Receptional Assimilation

Love everyone except Left Wing Liberals, gays, and Paula Abdul.

6. Behavior Receptional Assimilation

Afford non-prejudicial opportunities to everyone except Left Wing Liberals, gays, and Stephen Colbert.

7. And finally Civic Assimilation

MY telling you newcomers that I am serious about integrating you all into our constitutional democracy and perpetuating "the American way of life." And you accepting the fact that I am "The Decider".

I hope this is helpful.




    It's there you will find STEPHEN COLBERT: THE BALLS REPORT.

    It's an honor to serve you Mr. President. Thanks for the tax shelters. you're doing a great job!

    By Blogger Richard Quick, Millionaire, at 2:30 PM  

  • Quick Dick,

    I'm thinking about requiring Steven Colbert loving liberal blogging community members to wear steel balls on their clothing.

    By Blogger Bushy, at 3:49 PM  

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