MY WHITE HOUSE

Wednesday, May 24, 2006

Some Convenient Truths From Bushy

Here are some reason for welcoming Global Warming...

MORE OIL FOR US

Extensive oil and gas reserves have been discovered in Alaska. With less intrusive ice to cut through, exploration and production would be much easier. And marine access to oil, gas and mineral resources is likely to improve as sea ice disappears. A few drowned polar bears is not a bad sacrifice for more sweet crude. With less ice in the Canadian northwest passage, we would have an increased shipping season. More oil will get to the U.S. and it will get here faster. Remember the Titanic? Well it won't happen again. No icebergs; less tanker accidents. With any luck, the Arctic Ocean could be ice free by summer of 2050

MORE FOOD FOR EVERYONE

A warmer ocean means increased fish stocks in the north Atlantic. And since carbon dioxide is used by plants to capture and store energy, there may be a fertilizing effect as levels of the gas rise. This, combined with longer growing seasons, fewer frosts and more precipitation, means more agricultural output throughout the world. And with more of the sun's radiation getting through, we could have super-sized fruit and vegetables. That would be cool! At least 279 species of plants and animals are already responding to global warming, moving closer to the poles. To summarize: Given a rising world population, longer growing seasons, greater rainfall, and a more radiant atmosphere could be just the ticket to stave off famine.

SAFER, HAPPIER AMERICANS

With estimates of between 20,000 and 40,000 deaths a year being related to cold winter weather, humans would adapt better with hot climates. All they need is air conditioning. Warmer winters will produce less ice and snow to torment drivers, facilitating commuting and making snow shoveling a chore of the past. Families will have less need to invest in heavy parkas, bulky jackets, earmuffs, mittens, and snow boots. Road travelers would suffer less from slippery or impassable highways. Airline passengers, who often endure weather-related delays in the winter, would gain from more reliable and on-time service. Our forests would be spared because there would no longer be a need for firewood. A warmer world would be a healthier one for Americans and would cut the number of deaths in the U.S.

The evidence is overwhelming and undeniable.

Al Gore wants higher gas prices, more shipping accidents, less food production, more world starvation, more highway fatalities, and more deforestation. I see great benefits from global warming. Mr. Gore and the science community want to stop it. Who are you gonna trust?

Friday, May 19, 2006

The American Way Of Life

I am here to help all of you future, ex-illegal immigrants to assimilate into MY country. Here are MY 7 key elements of assimilation into U.S. society:


1. Cultural Assimilation.

Learn english, and take accent reduction courses. Wear Donna Karan, Perry Ellis, Kenneth Cole, Converse and Speedo. Food is a toughy since my favorite food is Mexican. Try hamburgers, french fries, hot dogs, barbeque anything, and grande two pump, non-fat, decaf, moccas. You should root for the Texas Rangers and the New York Yankees, and buy at least two poodle dogs or one Scottish Terrier, and one poodle. Try a different religion. For example, Chrisianity, Mormonism, Judaism, Scientology, Islam. Watch American Idol on TV and vote every week. Read the New York Times and watch Fox News.


2. Structural Assimilation

Join your neighborhood watch committee and have politiical house parties at your home. Join a Temple or Mosque. Join a chess club, a gun club, a ballroom dance class or a monthly reading group. Stay in school. Attend Baseball and hockey games, and attend at least one Britney Spears concert.

3. Marital Assimilation

Marry an American citizen. Best if they are caucasian, and from the south portion of the U.S.

4. Identificational Assimilation

Assimilate into the Anglo-American macro-culture. Drive a Ford pickup with a gun rack. Get car insurance. Write a tell-all biography. Create a Right Ring blog on the internet. Shop, shop, shop. Oh, and eat apple pie.

5. Attitude Receptional Assimilation

Love everyone except Left Wing Liberals, gays, and Paula Abdul.

6. Behavior Receptional Assimilation

Afford non-prejudicial opportunities to everyone except Left Wing Liberals, gays, and Stephen Colbert.

7. And finally Civic Assimilation

MY telling you newcomers that I am serious about integrating you all into our constitutional democracy and perpetuating "the American way of life." And you accepting the fact that I am "The Decider".

I hope this is helpful.

Bushy

Tuesday, May 16, 2006

MY Speech

"We are a nation of laws, and I decide which ones to enforce."

"First we must protect our beautiful spacious borders. We will send a large unit of armed troops to the southern border along with jets, helicopters, motion sensors, infrared cameras, and Humvees. We will build walls and use bunker busting bombs to destroy underground tunnels. We will find and destroy weapons of mass destruction, and we will only stay for a year." (sound familiar?)

"Amnesty would be unfair to those who are second generation and third generation citizens, and it would invite further amber waves of illegally harvested grain."

"I know, let's not call it amnesty, I'LL call it Tim ."

"I believe that illegal immigrants who managed to sneak into MY country without being caught deserve to stay. But only if they vote Republican every election, learn to speak english minimally as good as I does, and work for a number of years either in our new "Legal Foreign Worker Identification Card Factory", in the Armed Forces patrolling the border, in Virginia painting the purple mountains, or in the fruited plains."

"I believe that God has shed His grace on thee lowly illegal immigrant to build a path to American assimilation. To join the brotherhood of the over taxed, and underpaid of MY country, from border to grimy border."

"I believe that you can be a fool to some of the people all of the time, and all of the people some of the time, but you can only hope to be a fool to all of the people all of the time."

Thursday, May 11, 2006

Tap, Tap, Tap

Beth Radford of Kansas City, MO, I see a pattern of calls to White Castle Burgers. Sam Cohen of Encino, CA, there's a pattern of calls to the Jewish Journal. Melissa Kristen of Virginia, I see a pattern of calls to Del. Adam Ebbin of Fairfax County.

What do these patterns all have in common? They were lifted from personal phone records that were secretly collected by MY National Security Agency. If you own a telephone and use it, I have your personal life in MY hands. I will soon have a database of every call made in America. I see Donald Rumsfeld made 47 calls to Condoleezza Rice just this week. Oh look, Ann Coulter has been calling Al Franken on a weekly basis. Is he ghost writing for her? This is so fun!

I'm listening to your comments (and then some),

Bushy

Friday, May 05, 2006

SWAPO

We have our own tabloid couple in Washington now. Secretary of State Condoleezza Rice and Secretary of Defense Donald H. Rumsfeld. At a recent news conference, Condi was quoted regarding Rummy... “I agree,” . “I like him. I think he likes me.”

Perhaps Donaleezza will move to Namibia, live in a simple cone-shaped structure made with saplings covered in mud and dung, and go quad biking.

We won't be heartbroken. We promise. They can join the South-West Africa People's Organization (SWAPO) and help President Hifikepunye Pohamba manage their diamond mines.

Thursday, May 04, 2006

Drugs and Taxes

San Diego residents, spring breakers and immigration opponents are saddened today by the apparent reversal by Mexican President Vicente Fox, of his drug legalization plan. Apparently only drug addicts will be exempt from prosecution. Next thing you know, they will be giving tax refunds only to those that cheat on their taxes. Celebrations broke out in coffee shops throughout Amsterdam.

Wednesday, May 03, 2006

Tourism in Amsterdam Expected to Decrease

I want to send out a big "thank you" to Mexican President Vicente Fox for solving the immigration problem. By signing a bill to legalize possesion and use of cocaine, heroin, LSD, marijuana, PCP, opium, synthetic opiates, mescaline, peyote, psilocybin mushrooms, amphetamines, and methamphetamines, he has assured that many folks living south of the border will choose to stay put. People living south of Mexico will likely be slowed down on the way to the U.S. border. I assume that drug production facilities will be popping up all over Mexico, employing thousands, while putting the cartels out of business.

Hats off to Vicente,

Bushy

Tuesday, May 02, 2006

National Anthem

Yo solo quiero que el himno nacional se cante en espanol.