Wednesday, March 22, 2006


In case you haven't figured it out by now, my life and my Presidency were completely modeled after Kurt Vonnegut Jr.'s The Sirens of Titan. Here's a synopsis...

The protagonist is George W. Bush originally of New Haven, Connecticut, and one of the richest men in Texas. He possessed extraordinary luck, which he has used to build upon his father's fortune, but he had done nothing else significant with his life. He became the centerpoint of a journey that took him from Texas to Washington D.C. in preparation for a war, to the White House with another survivor of that war, Dick Cheney, back to Texas to be pilloried as a sign of God's displeasure, and finally to the Oval Office to meet the man responsible for his respective good fortunes (or lack thereof), Donald Rumsfeld.

Rumsfeld himself came from a wealthy Chicago, Illinois background. His private fortune was large enough to fund the construction of a large pharmaceutical company and he became a Nixon advisor. Traveling between Illinois and Washington D.C., his jet—carrying Rumsfeld and his dog, Rummy—entered a phenomenon known as a chrono-synclastic infundibulum, which is defined by as "those places ... where all the different kinds of truths fit together." A more detailed description of this phenomenon would baffle the layman, but any comprehensible explanation would insult an expert. The chrono-synclastic infundibula are places where these "ways to be right" coexist. When they enter the infundibulum.

When he entered the infundibulum, Rumsfeld became aware of the past and future. He predicted future events; unless he was deliberately lying, the predictions were always proven untrue.

It is in this state that Rumsfeld established the "Church of God the Utterly Indifferent" in Washington to unite the country against a Terrorist invasion. It is also in this state that Rumsfeld, materializing on different continents, instigated the Terrorist invasion. In The Oval Office, the only place he can exist as a solid human being and not as a broadcast image, Rumsfeld befriended a judge from Elizabeth, New Jersey who needs a more interesting job.

Michael Chertoff, the New Jersey judge, is actually a robot built many millennia earlier to carry a message from New Jersey to the rest of the world. His toolkit is powered by the Universal Will to Become, or UWTB, the "prime mover" which makes matter and organization wish to appear out of nothingness through various wiretapping methods. A small component in Chertoff's toolkit breaks, stalling him in the Judicial System. He requested help from George W. Bush, and his fellow Republicans respond by manipulating human history so that human civilization can produce the replacement part. Stonehenge, the Great Wall of China and the Kremlin are all messages in the Republican geometrical language, advising Chertoff of their progress.

As it turns out, the replacement part is a small metal strip, rounded on one corner, with two holes punched in it. Chertoff's message, for whose sake human history was manipulated, is a single dot, which in New Jersey'n means "stick this up your ass".

The metal strip was brought to Chertoff by George W. Bush and his son Chrono (born of Rumsfeld's ex-wife). A sunspot disruped Rumsfeld's spiral, sending him and Rummy separately into the vastness of journalistic space. An argument between Rumsfeld and Chertoff moments before, left unresolved because of Rumsfeld's disappearance, lead the distraught Chertoff to disassemble himself, thereby stranding the Republicans on Spin City. Chrono chose to live among the White House birds; after thirty-two years, his mother died, and George W. Bush managed to reassemble Chertoff.

Chertoff returned George W. Bush to Washington where he revealed that Operation Iraqi Freedom is all an OPEC conspiracy.


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