Thursday, July 20, 2006

Squeeze real hard

Hello to my 2 or 3 daily readers. I'm sorry that there has been such a lapse between blog entries. It has been a busy summer. Actually, it has been less than a month since my last entry. Here's a brief rundown of what I have been up to the last 29 days or so:

I blasted the shit out of the broadcast industry by signing the Broadcast Decency Enforcement Act, sharply increasing the penalties for broadcast indecency. I made a Merchant Marine Academy grad shit his pants when I gave him a long, romantic hug. My plan to try Guantanamo detainees before military commissions was shot to shit. Japanese Prime Minister Koizumi and I visited Graceland. That was the shit. I had a great party for my 60th birthday. But I felt like shit afterwards. Congressman Hoekstra gave me shit about keeping intelligence details from him. I partied with the hoten shiten Angela Merkel in Germany. I signed my first ever veto against the stem cell bill, giving those little-shit embryos a chance at life. And I talked some shit at the G8 conference.

That's a lot of shit for 29 days!

Oh, I also did an interview with Larry King. I am scheduled to do an interview with some crazy, liberal shit-speaking bloogers. I'll keep you posted on that. And I didn't once watch that piece-of-shit show The Daily Show.

Have a nice shit,


Thursday, June 22, 2006

A Weak Constitution

Yesterday was the 218th anniversary of the ratification of the Constitution of the United States. I'm amazed that it took this long for a president to turn the one page document on it's head.

As the "Decider", I now have ultimate influence over all legislative decisions. No Republican dares to take a side on an issue that opposes my ideology. There are a few items in Article l, Section 8 that I am particularly fond of controlling...
The power to declare War, grant Letters of Marque and Reprisal, and make Rules concerning Captures on Land and Water; the power to make Rules for the Government and Regulation of the land and naval Forces; and the power to provide for calling forth the Militia to execute the Laws of the Union, suppress Insurrections and repel Invasions.

As for Article ll I shall have Power, WITH or WITHOUT the Advice and Consent of the Senate, to make Treaties, The Senate will concur, or else!

Finally, I will only appoint Justices to the Supreme Court that pledge to stay out of MY business.

Who needs Amendments, when Your Highness, Bushy is in charge!

Let the Chaos ensue!


Monday, June 05, 2006

Constitutional Amen-dment

The union of a man and woman in marriage is the most enduring and important human institution. O.K. maybe not enduring. In 2003 there were 7.5 new marriages per 1000 people and 3.8 divorces per 1000. Even my brother Neil got divorced after he had sex with women who showed up uninvited at his hotel rooms in Asia, and he had an affair and maybe fathered a child out of wedlock. Well he's the good looking one in the family.

Changing the definition of marriage would undermine the family structure, the careers of divorce lawyers, and the Dr. Phil show.

America is a free society which limits the role of government in the lives of our citizens. In this country, people are free to choose how they live their lives. That is until "The Decider" was elected president. I have spoken clearly on this issue and now you have to live by my rules. Some argue that defining marriage should be left to the states. Tough shit! And on an issue of such profound importance, that solution should come not from the courts, but from ME.

The constitutional amendment that the Senate will consider this week would fully protect marriage from being redefined. An amendment must be approved by two-thirds of the House and the Senate, and then ratified by three-fourths of the 50 state legislatures, but I will write it in myself if it is not ratified.

As this amendment goes forward, every American deserves to be treated with tolerance and respect and dignity. All people deserve to have their voices heard and a few thousand wiretaps will ensure that they are heard.

My new mantra is, "No debate, no red tape, no delay. If I like it, it's the law." And if I don't like it, it's MY Presidential right to ignore it.

Wednesday, May 24, 2006

Some Convenient Truths From Bushy

Here are some reason for welcoming Global Warming...


Extensive oil and gas reserves have been discovered in Alaska. With less intrusive ice to cut through, exploration and production would be much easier. And marine access to oil, gas and mineral resources is likely to improve as sea ice disappears. A few drowned polar bears is not a bad sacrifice for more sweet crude. With less ice in the Canadian northwest passage, we would have an increased shipping season. More oil will get to the U.S. and it will get here faster. Remember the Titanic? Well it won't happen again. No icebergs; less tanker accidents. With any luck, the Arctic Ocean could be ice free by summer of 2050


A warmer ocean means increased fish stocks in the north Atlantic. And since carbon dioxide is used by plants to capture and store energy, there may be a fertilizing effect as levels of the gas rise. This, combined with longer growing seasons, fewer frosts and more precipitation, means more agricultural output throughout the world. And with more of the sun's radiation getting through, we could have super-sized fruit and vegetables. That would be cool! At least 279 species of plants and animals are already responding to global warming, moving closer to the poles. To summarize: Given a rising world population, longer growing seasons, greater rainfall, and a more radiant atmosphere could be just the ticket to stave off famine.


With estimates of between 20,000 and 40,000 deaths a year being related to cold winter weather, humans would adapt better with hot climates. All they need is air conditioning. Warmer winters will produce less ice and snow to torment drivers, facilitating commuting and making snow shoveling a chore of the past. Families will have less need to invest in heavy parkas, bulky jackets, earmuffs, mittens, and snow boots. Road travelers would suffer less from slippery or impassable highways. Airline passengers, who often endure weather-related delays in the winter, would gain from more reliable and on-time service. Our forests would be spared because there would no longer be a need for firewood. A warmer world would be a healthier one for Americans and would cut the number of deaths in the U.S.

The evidence is overwhelming and undeniable.

Al Gore wants higher gas prices, more shipping accidents, less food production, more world starvation, more highway fatalities, and more deforestation. I see great benefits from global warming. Mr. Gore and the science community want to stop it. Who are you gonna trust?

Friday, May 19, 2006

The American Way Of Life

I am here to help all of you future, ex-illegal immigrants to assimilate into MY country. Here are MY 7 key elements of assimilation into U.S. society:

1. Cultural Assimilation.

Learn english, and take accent reduction courses. Wear Donna Karan, Perry Ellis, Kenneth Cole, Converse and Speedo. Food is a toughy since my favorite food is Mexican. Try hamburgers, french fries, hot dogs, barbeque anything, and grande two pump, non-fat, decaf, moccas. You should root for the Texas Rangers and the New York Yankees, and buy at least two poodle dogs or one Scottish Terrier, and one poodle. Try a different religion. For example, Chrisianity, Mormonism, Judaism, Scientology, Islam. Watch American Idol on TV and vote every week. Read the New York Times and watch Fox News.

2. Structural Assimilation

Join your neighborhood watch committee and have politiical house parties at your home. Join a Temple or Mosque. Join a chess club, a gun club, a ballroom dance class or a monthly reading group. Stay in school. Attend Baseball and hockey games, and attend at least one Britney Spears concert.

3. Marital Assimilation

Marry an American citizen. Best if they are caucasian, and from the south portion of the U.S.

4. Identificational Assimilation

Assimilate into the Anglo-American macro-culture. Drive a Ford pickup with a gun rack. Get car insurance. Write a tell-all biography. Create a Right Ring blog on the internet. Shop, shop, shop. Oh, and eat apple pie.

5. Attitude Receptional Assimilation

Love everyone except Left Wing Liberals, gays, and Paula Abdul.

6. Behavior Receptional Assimilation

Afford non-prejudicial opportunities to everyone except Left Wing Liberals, gays, and Stephen Colbert.

7. And finally Civic Assimilation

MY telling you newcomers that I am serious about integrating you all into our constitutional democracy and perpetuating "the American way of life." And you accepting the fact that I am "The Decider".

I hope this is helpful.


Tuesday, May 16, 2006

MY Speech

"We are a nation of laws, and I decide which ones to enforce."

"First we must protect our beautiful spacious borders. We will send a large unit of armed troops to the southern border along with jets, helicopters, motion sensors, infrared cameras, and Humvees. We will build walls and use bunker busting bombs to destroy underground tunnels. We will find and destroy weapons of mass destruction, and we will only stay for a year." (sound familiar?)

"Amnesty would be unfair to those who are second generation and third generation citizens, and it would invite further amber waves of illegally harvested grain."

"I know, let's not call it amnesty, I'LL call it Tim ."

"I believe that illegal immigrants who managed to sneak into MY country without being caught deserve to stay. But only if they vote Republican every election, learn to speak english minimally as good as I does, and work for a number of years either in our new "Legal Foreign Worker Identification Card Factory", in the Armed Forces patrolling the border, in Virginia painting the purple mountains, or in the fruited plains."

"I believe that God has shed His grace on thee lowly illegal immigrant to build a path to American assimilation. To join the brotherhood of the over taxed, and underpaid of MY country, from border to grimy border."

"I believe that you can be a fool to some of the people all of the time, and all of the people some of the time, but you can only hope to be a fool to all of the people all of the time."

Thursday, May 11, 2006

Tap, Tap, Tap

Beth Radford of Kansas City, MO, I see a pattern of calls to White Castle Burgers. Sam Cohen of Encino, CA, there's a pattern of calls to the Jewish Journal. Melissa Kristen of Virginia, I see a pattern of calls to Del. Adam Ebbin of Fairfax County.

What do these patterns all have in common? They were lifted from personal phone records that were secretly collected by MY National Security Agency. If you own a telephone and use it, I have your personal life in MY hands. I will soon have a database of every call made in America. I see Donald Rumsfeld made 47 calls to Condoleezza Rice just this week. Oh look, Ann Coulter has been calling Al Franken on a weekly basis. Is he ghost writing for her? This is so fun!

I'm listening to your comments (and then some),